Is Your Aging Parent Aging You?
(7 Important Tips on Caring for an Aging or Ill Parent
AND Your Business)
By Paula N. Quick
Entrepreneurship is the hot topic these days, especially when it comes to solo entrepreneurs and small business owners. There are tons of classes and workshops on starting your own business that cover topics such as developing a business plan, incorporation, licensing, taxes and other important start-up information.
What happens, though, when you start a business and you find yourself suddenly caring for a ill or aging parent? You obviously can’t drop your parent. But can you in good faith “drop” your business – possibly a business that has been years in the making or one that you just started? Suppose this is the best window of opportunity?
Is there anyway to manage running a business and taking care of an ill or aging parent? Some would say “No,” focus on taking care of your parent and put the business building activities on hold. But I say “Yes,” you can do both but it is a process lest the aging parent age YOU.
I say this from my own experience.
At the height of having my business start to jell after three years of trying to get the “right” combination pro products and services, my mother suffered a freak fall in her bedroom, probably the result of a bad knee that was way overdue for a replacement. My reflexology business was thriving, having to be moved to my home when the office I was practicing in closed down to move further out. I was at the tail end of my coach certification training with a month to go before my exam.
But after the fall everything changed. My mother, always on the needy side anyway, had to become needy. Through a series of events she literally could not get out of bed without assistance. A bedside commode became de rigueur, and with that the responsibility of emptying it and keeping it clean. A life where my mother did all the cooking suddenly became turned around and now I was forced to cook or have on hand, breakfast lunch AND dinner. A night owl anyway, my sleep was seriously disrupted through late night calls for help, my mother oblivious to the fact that I might be in the middle of a dream. What had been a fairly normal life, even with the business development, became completely abnormal.
A little tenuous about working out of my home before my mother’s fall, I now had to worry about painful moans coming out of my mother’s room. Things were so chaotic at one point (although completely seamless to my clients) I just wanted to throw up my hands and quit. I felt totally unable to run a business and take care of my mother and operated on a hefty pipeline of business November through December.
But in January I looked at my calendar and saw a lot of unscheduled days. Through the ensuing months it became obvious that there was no getting around the fact that my mother had to be taken care of and I could not shove her into a drawer somewhere.
And a major choice had to be made. Feel sorry for myself indeed and throw in the towel on a business I had spent a sizable amount of time and money to develop or try to find some meaning in the situation and learn how to adapt to it, as well.
As I asked God why this had to happen, it was apparent that my place truly was at home to take care or my mother. Gee whiz, it became a challenge just to find good trustworthy assistance that didn’t cost an arm and a leg, no pun intended.
I knew deep in the recesses in my heart, that God “knew what he was doing here” as I used the time for further study, reflection and growth. My reflexology clients were wonderful and were very understanding about my circumstances. By the grace of God I was able to acquire new clients and grow that part of the business. I received my coaching certification and even managed to get some clients.
My niche was small business but I continued to look for my own unique voice and specialty in this market. In the end I managed to take care of my mother AND running a business without having a nervous breakdown or calling it quits on my business.
So what are some tips you can use to keep your sanity while taking care of a business and a parent?
1.
Delegate in spite of yourself. This is not easy if you tend to be a control freak like myself. But I had to face the fact that I could not do everything. So I sought help in whatever I could, home health care, companions. I graciously accepted free meals when I could.
Delegate in spite of yourself. This is not easy if you tend to be a control freak like myself. But I had to face the fact that I could not do everything. So I sought help in whatever I could, home health care, companions. I graciously accepted free meals when I could.2.Make it legal. Make sure you have a power of attorney. Your loved one may seem perfectly fine today, but when a serious illness occurs you never know what scenario drugs might create. Fortunately I didn’t have to whip out a power of attorney during this time, but I felt we were getting awfully close.
Make it legal. Make sure you have a power of attorney. Your loved one may seem perfectly fine today, but when a serious illness occurs you never know what scenario drugs might create. Fortunately I didn’t have to whip out a power of attorney during this time, but I felt we were getting awfully close.3.Get assistance with your business. I finally had to break down and hire someone to help out with some administrative things and it felt like a burden had been lifted.
Get assistance with your business. I finally had to break down and hire someone to help out with some administrative things and it felt like a burden had been lifted.4.Have a hospital bag handy. There’s nothing worse than having to take your loved one to the hospital suddenly and you’re scrambling around looking for underwear, a housecoat and slippers. We got through this but an emergency hospital stay bag is good to have on hand. You can also put one together for yourself. I became the master of turning two hospital room chairs into a makeshift bed. The nursing staff was very generous about letting me use the hospital linens for cover. But for all the nights I spent there, I could have brought my own “blankie and pillow.”
Have a hospital bag handy. There’s nothing worse than having to take your loved one to the hospital suddenly and you’re scrambling around looking for underwear, a housecoat and slippers. We got through this but an emergency hospital stay bag is good to have on hand. You can also put one together for yourself. I became the master of turning two hospital room chairs into a makeshift bed. The nursing staff was very generous about letting me use the hospital linens for cover. But for all the nights I spent there, I could have brought my own “blankie and pillow.”5.Simplify. This is just not the time to get caught up in the “Desperate Housewives” perfect house and the perfect yard syndrome. Our yard was always the best looking in the cul-de-sac, due to my mother’s efforts. The living room always looked like a living room, you know, that “never used” look. Well, somehow the weeds got out of control in the yard (my mother thankfully hired someone eventually to take care of that) and the living room now looks like an office/warehouse due to my many projects and due to the fact that I had to move my office downstairs from my loft so that I could work while jumping up at what seemed like a one point – every five minutes to deal with my mother.
Simplify. This is just not the time to get caught up in the “Desperate Housewives” perfect house and the perfect yard syndrome. Our yard was always the best looking in the cul-de-sac, due to my mother’s efforts. The living room always looked like a living room, you know, that “never used” look. Well, somehow the weeds got out of control in the yard (my mother thankfully hired someone eventually to take care of that) and the living room now looks like an office/warehouse due to my many projects and due to the fact that I had to move my office downstairs from my loft so that I could work while jumping up at what seemed like a one point – every five minutes to deal with my mother.While I feel that in some way I became a social recluse during this period, I did try to make some time for some fun and socialization when the opportunity presented itself. I remain amazed however, at how some people just didn’t “get” that I wasn’t free to just come and go as I pleased during the height of my mother’s incapacitation and that an afternoon or evening out meant I needed to make arrangements for someone to be with my mother. And forget out-of-town trips. I just now am able to schedule simple one-day out of town excursions.
6.Take care of yourself. This admittedly is not an easy one. My sleep was seriously disrupted during this time and my main exercise seemed to come from going up and down the stairs and running to the drug store to get every pain relief medicine known to man that my mother could put on her knees. Fortunately, because my mother couldn’t stand up to cook, I became in charge of the meals and they became a lot healthier than the “down home southern style” that is her trademark. I was by no means sedentary during this period but there still is lots of opportunity to get into better shape. One thing, I used this time to discover my “inner gardener.” There’s nothing like plants and flowers to get you in a calmer state. For once I literally was able to “stop and smell the roses” and that was very peaceful.
Take care of yourself. This admittedly is not an easy one. My sleep was seriously disrupted during this time and my main exercise seemed to come from going up and down the stairs and running to the drug store to get every pain relief medicine known to man that my mother could put on her knees. Fortunately, because my mother couldn’t stand up to cook, I became in charge of the meals and they became a lot healthier than the “down home southern style” that is her trademark. I was by no means sedentary during this period but there still is lots of opportunity to get into better shape. One thing, I used this time to discover my “inner gardener.” There’s nothing like plants and flowers to get you in a calmer state. For once I literally was able to “stop and smell the roses” and that was very peaceful.7.Pray. There were many times I wondered if my mother was really going to make it out of the consequences of her fall. We hear the statistics about how a fall is often the final doom of seniors. I didn’t want my mother to be a statistic. Nevertheless, the idea of her having knee replacement surgery at age 83 was a daunting thought for her and for me. We knew of people (and younger, too) who hadn’t made it out of the hospital from far less major surgeries.
Pray. There were many times I wondered if my mother was really going to make it out of the consequences of her fall. We hear the statistics about how a fall is often the final doom of seniors. I didn’t want my mother to be a statistic. Nevertheless, the idea of her having knee replacement surgery at age 83 was a daunting thought for her and for me. We knew of people (and younger, too) who hadn’t made it out of the hospital from far less major surgeries. As I hinted at before, I used this chaotic time to develop a deeper connection with God. “By his stripes you are healed” became my mental mantra for my mother. I asked God to allow my mother to come through the surgery and to heal her. And you know what? He answered that prayer. No, she is not able to run a 10K or get down on her hands and knees to care for her garden, but she can walk. She can get up out of the bed and go to the bathroom or the bedside commode (her choice) on her own. She can pick out her own clothes, get into the shower, put on her own clothes without my assistance. She can even COOK again. Many times I thought the mother as I knew her was gone, largely due to the sneakily mind-altering pain killers she had to take up until and just after her knee replacement surgery. But the mother as I knew her is back. And although at times deeply annoying, as only a mother can be, I am glad and thankful to God for allowing her to come through her surgery like a “champ.”
The points discussed above allowed my surviving my mother’s illness and keeping a business together. During the time of her illness, I kept trying to drill down on the small business niche to best reflect what I bring to the party and what would be the most marketable. I had a good one - “the uncertain entrepreneur,” but there was incompleteness to it for me.
Then, through lots of study, reflection and working with a coach myself, the perfect coaching niche hit me – working with small business entrepreneurs who are caring for aging and ill parents. My training and experience allow me to work with someone on the business side AND on the caregiving side. The "dark night of my soul” even allowed me to come up with a name for my coaching business – The Lemonade Coach, helping people turn lemons into lemonade.
As challenging a period that the nine months were, I knew the Lord had not hung me out to dry. I knew that there was some purpose behind my conveniently being able to work from home during my mother’s fall and recovery. I knew there was some purpose to my feeling locked into a caregiving role and my hands tied around my back business wise. I knew there was some purpose behind all my life experiences that led to me being to this point.
At long last, I have complete clarity as to my business focus and what I was put on this earth to do and teach. My mission is to help people not lose their focus on God and what God can do for them despite their circumstances. People taking care of businesses as well as aging and ill parents need to hear this message. They need to know that there is hope for them and that they can emerge from this challenging circumstance better than ever.
You, too, CAN emerge from taking care of an aging parent without aging yourself beyond repair!
Editor’s Note: Paula Quick is a Christian Certified Life Coach, specializing in helping small business entrepreneurs who are caring for aging and ill parents. Her websites include: www.thefaithpreneur.com as well as www.thelemonadecoach.com. She is may be contacted at onyourfeetcoach@aol.com.
© 2007 Paula Quick. This article may be forwarded, copied or distributed to others only if it contains the title and author as shown above, along with the websites of reference: The Faithpreneur and The Lemonade Coach.
